The Joke Thread

[gillsfan1066]

A doctor decides one day to walk to the office from the L train,instead of getting a cab like he normally did . As he nears his office he notices a woman very wrinkly and bent over sitting on the steps to her house enjoying the spring sunshine. " Good Morning" he said and she smiles and laughed and said " it sure is Sir, one fine day indeed ". He says " your happy today", and she said "I always am" . The doctor said "I noticed your smoking a stogie" (cheap God awful cigars) and she says " I sure am ". He said " I am a doctor, so please tell me whats your secret of being so happy I might be able to pass on some of your secrets to my patients ".
" Well " she says puffing a huge cloud of smoke in his face , " I smoke ten of these here fine cigars every day ", I eats nutting but junk food from the burger place on the corner and I drinks me a bottle of moon shine each day. " She continued " after dinner I smokes me two big fat joints and of a weekend I get laid, and I have never done any sort of exerciser in my life ". The Doctor looks at her and says " that's amazing ,can I ask how old you are" ? " Thirty- four " she replied.

[CadburyMan]

Had a row with my boss at lunchtime yesterday.

One of the perks of working near a boating lake...

[CadburyMan]

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence one evening.
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred, "I'd die for you!"

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eyelids and asked, "How many times?"

[gillsfan1066]

A huge announcement today between the Pfizer Corporation and The Pepsi Cola Organisation informing the country of the collaboration between the two, and announcing that as from May 2023 they will have a new product called Mount and Do on store shelves,containing Viagra in a liquid form,along with that great taste of Pepsi . Obviously it will not be able to call itself a soft drink as it will be suitable to be used as a mixer,so it will now be possible for a man to pour himself a still one,and it gives a new meaning to cocktails with names like Highballs,Harvey Wallbanger ,Sex on the Beach, and that very nice cocktail which is made with 1 1/2 raspberry vodka, 4 oz of Sprite clear soda and 3/4 oz of Rose's grenadine syrup,poured over a 12 oz glass of ice cubes and topped off with two Maraschino Cherries, yum yum, just thinking about that makes me want a Bend Over Shirley.
Makes you think , with more money at the moment being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research ,by 2025 there should be a large population of seniors with perky boobs ,huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them

[gillsfan1066]

Five Rules for a Happy Life.
1) It's important to have a woman that works around the home keeping it clean and tidy,cooks, and has a part time job.
2) It's important to have a woman that makes you laugh that you love to be with.
3) It's important to have a woman that no matter what time of the day or night is ready to enjoy time in bed with you.
4) It's important to have a woman that's faithful and never lies to you
5), It's important that threes four women NEVER meet
Signed....Tiger Woods.

[CadburyMan]

A young colleague at work, thought "Chubby Checker" was a dieting app!

[gillsfan1066]

Michael Goodwin spent several years on South Carolina's death row awaiting the electric chair on a murder conviction,before it was reduced to life imprisonment. Sitting on his metal toilet in his cell trying to fix his small TV one day, he bit into a wire which was still plug into the mains,and was immediately electrocuted. His funeral followed four days later in his home town of Kingstree.

[CadburyMan]

I went to the doctor with fluid on the knee.

The doctor told me that I wasn't aiming straight . ..................................

[CadburyMan]

I was sitting outside the pub with my blonde wife having a drink and a lorry loaded with turf went by!

My wife said: “I’m going to do that when we’re rich!”

I said : “What!”

She said: “Have the lawn taken away to get it mowed!”

[CadburyMan]

I saw this beautiful homeless woman today and I asked if I could take her home.

She said yes.

You should have seen the look on her face when I drove off with her cardboard box.