The Joke Thread

[CadburyMan]

Have you noticed that fishermen have amazing quantities of fishing tackle by the bank . Rods. reels . boilies and bite alarms. Camping gear and stoves etc etc. but I have never seen one with a `Not yet" sign A useful bit of kit!

[CadburyMan]

I rang the hotel and the lady said....

"Good Morning, Best Western".

I said...."The Good, The Bad and The Ugly"....and then hung up.

[CadburyMan]

I told my new girlfriend that I have a tattoo on my todger of that well known Welsh Railway Station.

She said..."Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch".

I replied "No, Rhyl".

[CadburyMan]

Me and the wife are doing the David Bowie diet.

We can eat Heroes, just for one day.

[CadburyMan]

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.

They said it would be like winning the lottery.

To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

[CadburyMan]

Young Welsh couple murdered in a village near Cardigan Bay.

A police spokesman said "This is the last thing you would expect in such a close-knit community."

[gillsfan1066]

A new store opened near us selling groceries, I go once a week because the place smells great. When your buying eggs bacon and other breakfast items there is a smell of breakfast cooking , in the bread department a fresh bread baking smell , in the meat department a BBQ smell ,in the fruit department fresh strawberry smell. I only ever bought toilet paper there once.

[gillsfan1066]

A bond goes over to her friends wearing a TGIF T- shirt. Her friend says why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee shirt.Oh dear said the blond, I didn't realize it was a religious tee shirt,I thought it meant T*ts Go In Front.

[gillsfan1066]

In a recent survey of a 1,000 people in London , when asked if there are to many foreigners living in England ,18% answered yes, 82% answered No there is not in 12 other languages.
Today I drove past a large open trailer sitting at the side of the freeway, the vehicle towing it had left it there .The trailer had about 4 rows by 10 high of new tires on it,and it was just sitting there because one of it's own tire was flat.

[gillsfan1066]

A sign outside the church read, Evenings at 7 pm in the Church Hall...... Monday.. Night Alcoholics Anonymous............Tuesday..Abused Spouses ...Wednesday...Eating Disorders....Thursday..Say No To Drugs......Friday...Teen Suicide Watch.....Saturday...Soup Kitchen , SUNDAY SERMON 11 am....AMERICA'S JOYOUS FUTURE .

[CadburyMan]

Latest result from the Star Wars Football World Cup.


Ob 1 - C3P 0

[CadburyMan]

I remember one time on a holiday in Jamaica I didn't see one single bird.

A local told me it's because they're in de skies.

[gillsfan1066]

Getting old is no fun. Last fall on the Sunday when Daylight Savings Time ended I went to pick up an old buddy to go and play golf,his wife came to the front door and I said is he ready. She gave me that look which sends chills through any man, and said he is in the front room. I followed her into the room and there was Dave covering his private parts with black shoe polish. His wife screamed at him YOU IDIOT, YOUR SUPPOSED TO TURN THE CLOCK BACK.

[gillsfan1066]

A good looking sexy blond girl walks into a police station and says I want to be a police officer.Everyone working behind the desk stops and ogles the girl. The Sargent says well you have to pass a test young lady whats 10 multiplied by 10 and she says UUMMMM 100. He says whats the square root of a hundred and he says ER UM,ER UM , is it 10 ?
He said which political group killed Lord Mountbatten the girl thinks and says uuummmmm , I don't know. The Sarge says go home and think about it and come back in the morning. Later that evening one of her friends calls and says how did you get on today. The blond says fantastic, not only did I get the job but am already working on my first murder case.

[CadburyMan]

A photographer was killed in a freak accident today.

Whilst trying to take a group photo a giant lump of cheddar fell on him .....bystanders said people did try to warn him