Gillingham FC Forum

I asked my scouse mate why he only spent three quid on his mum for Mother's Day.

"That's all she had in her purse, " he replied.

Husband hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years. Hit man says 'I will shoot her just below her left breast”....

Husband says " I want her dead, not bloody knee capped!!!

Joe Biden our beloved new President collapsed when he heard three Brazilian's had Coronavirus. When they had picked him up and sat him in a chair, put the smelling salts under his nose he was heard to whispered to his Chief of Staff ,exactly how many is a Brazilian ?

A Catholic lawyer with a wife and 12 kids needed to rent a bigger house,but everywhere he went once the landlord heard he had 12 children he was told no , because the landlord thought the kids would wreck the house. He found the house of his dreams on the corner of a quiet road near the local park and made an appointment to visit , but before he went he sent his wife and 11 of the kids off the the cemetery to visit her family's plot.
At the interview the landlord said so how many children do you have, and the lawyer said 12. The landlord asked where are the others, so putting on his best courtroom face he said sadly the others are in the cemetery, with their Mother.
I am sorry said the landlord , sign,here the place is yours.
The moral to this story,you don't have to lie,just chooses the right words, and think of this,in a recent survey over 90 % of politicians went to school to become lawyers.

My wife sent me a text that said "Your great"

So naturally I sent a text back saying "No you're great. She's been walking around with a smile on her face all day.

Do you think I should tell her that I was just correcting her grammar?

Knock !Knock !
WHO'S THERE ?
Control Freak,
CONT......
OK now you say
control freak who ?

Told my girlfriend last night after we made love that doctors say that doing "that" burns the same number of calories as running eight miles. When she finished laughing she said when have you ever run eight miles in thirty seconds.

My wife asked me what would stop the stairs from creaking...

Apparently ‘Slimming World’ was not the right answer.

A girl was standing on a bridge obviously getting ready to jump, a gang of Hells Angels drive up, skid to a halt and the leader a big hairy guy says "hey what you doing". The girls says "jumping", and the biker never one to miss an opportunity says" before you jump how about a kiss for me and the boys". So the 10 of them all line up and one at a time give her a long passionate kiss before getting back on there bikes. The leader turns to the girl and says "so why are you jumping" ,to which the girl answers, "my parents don't like me dressing up as a girl ".