Gillingham FC Forum

I have just had sex with my new girlfriend in an elevator,it was great on so many levels.

I came out of the chippie with a meat & potato pie, a large cod , large chips and mushy peas and a poor homeless man, sitting there, said, I've not eaten for two days.”

I  told him, “I wish I had your willpower!”

Sean Connery walks into a hotel in Monte Carlo sits at the bar ,smiles at the pretty woman sitting next to him and orders a drink. He looks at his watch and taps it . The woman says that's a nice watch, and Connery tells her Q had just given it to him, and it works off alpha waves and talks to him telepathically . The woman smiles and says what is it telling you now ? Connery says Ma'm it tells me your not wearing any panties. The woman laughs and says then it must be broken because I am wearing pantys. Connery taps the watch, looks at the clock above the bar, smiles at the woman and and says softly, "Bloody things and hour fast". RIP S.C.

Marriage Counsellor : Your wife says that you never buy her flowers; is that true ?

Him : To be honest I never knew she sold flowers

I asked my boss

"What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap"

He replied "Just pop it in the Corner".

4 f*****g hours it took me!...

Talking to Mrs Bunbury last night on the phone, she was saying how much she and Mr B enjoyed going out for dinner with friends the other night for the first time since the Pandemic started. She was a little disappointed the table was right outside the men's room door, but hey there were out.
After the meal they were sitting talking and Mr B had to run to the toilet, and when he came back he was really proud telling everyone that he had taken all the Coronavirus precautions, how he opened the door with his elbow, put the seat up with his foot , turned on the taps with a paper towel, washed his hands for 30 seconds with soap and hot water, opened the door with his knee to leave. She said he was all smiles and happy that he had done so well, she found it a little awkward to tell him he had forgotten to pull his trousers up.

Lockdown can only go four ways. You will end up a Monk ,a Hunk, a Chunk ,or a Drunk, choose wisely.
Signes I recently saw on a road trip.
Frog Parking only, all others will be toad.
What happens if you get half scared to death twice.
I want to grow my own food, but I don't know where to buy bacon seeds.
This is my step ladder, I never knew my real ladder.
Great news, Garawa checked into the Hokey Pokey Clinic and turned himself around.

I lost my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting.

I wonder what she's upto now ?