The Joke Thread

[CadburyMan]

Not mancunian - try Black Country/Birmingham

https://www.facebook.com/BBCOne/videos/ ... 770661778/

[gillsfan1066]

Attorney........So you have three children, am I right,and how many of them are boys.
Witness..........None
Attorney.........Were there any girls
Witness..........Your Honor I think I need a new attorney.

Attorney.......... So Miss Jackson you tell me the date of your babies conception was July 4th
Witness.............That is correct.
Attorney..........And what were you doing at the time.
Witness............Getting La*d.

[CadburyMan]

My wife has just phoned me from A&E crying and very upset so I asked her what was wrong? She said that she had just seen her X.Ray.. I said don't speak to him just walk away and come home.

[CadburyMan]

Woke up after a lads night out drinking and going for curry and my bum was killing me.

I asked the wifewhat she thought it may be, she laughed and said⁶

"Ring sting."

I said," and why the hell would he know what's up with me?"

[CadburyMan]

This Reading Festival is very disappointing.

There is a distinct lack of books and a lot of dreadful noise.

[CadburyMan]

Have you noticed that fishermen have amazing quantities of fishing tackle by the bank . Rods. reels . boilies and bite alarms. Camping gear and stoves etc etc. but I have never seen one with a `Not yet" sign A useful bit of kit!

[CadburyMan]

I rang the hotel and the lady said....

"Good Morning, Best Western".

I said...."The Good, The Bad and The Ugly"....and then hung up.

[CadburyMan]

I told my new girlfriend that I have a tattoo on my todger of that well known Welsh Railway Station.

She said..."Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch".

I replied "No, Rhyl".

[CadburyMan]

Me and the wife are doing the David Bowie diet.

We can eat Heroes, just for one day.

[CadburyMan]

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.

They said it would be like winning the lottery.

To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.