The Joke Thread

Discussion relating to anything not football related

Re: The Joke Thread

Postby gillsfan1066 » Mon May 10, 2021 12:40 am

Chicago opened up this weekend,restaurants ,clubs and pubs, so off me and her went for a meal Saturday night. A couple of drinks at the bar, bottle of wine with dinner and a glass or two after back at the bar ,by the time we left the restaurant she was talking in a loud voice, falling all over me ,everyone could here here saying honey give it to me ,give it to me now darling I am so wet. If she thinks she is getting my damn umbrella she can think again.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby CadburyMan » Wed May 12, 2021 6:27 pm

The Devon and Cornwall Rock Festival has been cancelled this year.

The couldn't decide who should go on first: The Jam or Cream
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby CadburyMan » Thu May 13, 2021 9:20 pm

My wife has just phoned me from A&E crying and very upset so I asked her what was wrong? She said that she had just seen her X.Ray I said don't speak to him just walk away.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby CadburyMan » Mon May 17, 2021 6:29 am

Met up with an ex girlfriend, Lindsey Doyle, the other day and we went on a very romantic date.

Things were about to get "interesting" and then I remember why we broke up; she smelled like a cricket bat
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby CadburyMan » Thu May 20, 2021 7:28 pm

English, Irish and Scottish men die and St Peter meets them at the gate. He says you can only come in if you sing a song about a dog. The English man sings "you ain't nothing but a hounddog" Peter opens the gate for him. The Scottish man sings "how much is that doggy in the window" Peter opens the gate for him. Paddy thinks for ages then says "I have one", he starts singing Stranger's in the night... He is near the end when St Peter says "Hang on Paddy ,there's no mention of a dog" Paddy says " I'm getting too it now

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" Scooby doooooooby dooooo"
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby gillsfan1066 » Thu Jul 29, 2021 1:11 pm

I have found a great way to get rid of my junk, I just put it in an Amazon box and leave it on the porch.
How do you milk sheep....................bring out a new iPhone every year and charge 500 quid for it.
If you get Scam calls or Telemarketers constantly calling you, try this , Answer the phone with " Hi this is Radio Medway, your on the air and we recording this interview ".
It was not a good night last night,I tried to impress a new girlfriend,with a joke on the way home.The cop that pulled me over said "Get out of the car Sir", and I jokingly said " I am too drunk to do that,you get in ". One thing you learn from this is that when one door closes and another opens it probably means your in jail.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby CadburyMan » Fri Aug 13, 2021 8:19 pm

Man ran home from work, pulled his wife into the bedroom, threw her on the bed and pulled the blankets over them.

She was shocked - he hadn't been like this some 20 years.

Then her husband said ," Look! My new watch glows in the dark!"
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby CadburyMan » Sat Aug 14, 2021 1:12 pm

My missus has asked for something silky for her birthday. No doubt this tin of emulsion will be the wrong damned colour !
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby CadburyMan » Sat Aug 14, 2021 1:17 pm

My girlfriend and I were travelling to meet my parents when she got a flat tyre so I called ahead and said, "sorry mum but we're going to be late; my girlfriend has got a puncture."

"Oh," she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time!"
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby CadburyMan » Sun Aug 15, 2021 7:14 pm

My pal is a ventriloquist and he is upset that his dummy has left him after 25 years.

He said that it was like a golt from the glue.
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