The Joke Thread

Discussion relating to anything not football related

The Joke Thread

Postby Kent_UckyFriedGills » Wed Jun 24, 2015 5:21 pm

As it says on the Tin.Post any jokes you want :)

"I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance."
Noircat Premier League Champion 2007,and 2014.Noircat FA Cup (Runner Up 2014).Promoted to the Premier League (Runner Up 2017,and 2020 in the Championship).

Kent_UckyFriedGills,KFG for short.
Kent_UckyFriedGills
 
Posts: 2132
Joined: Sat Sep 22, 2012 8:44 pm
Location: Kent

Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Garawa » Wed Jun 24, 2015 7:50 pm

This is where Elgrande is needed back. Just remember any jokes with swear words will be removed though!!
For all manner of stats and facts during games, add me on twitter: @Gills_Stats

Previous board user ID: gwade_871 (3440 posts)
Garawa
 
Posts: 5797
Joined: Fri Sep 21, 2012 10:24 am

Re: The Joke Thread

Postby gillsfan1066 » Wed Jun 24, 2015 11:08 pm

Well that ends that thread, next.
gillsfan1066
 
Posts: 3720
Joined: Sat Sep 22, 2012 8:13 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Garawa » Thu Jun 25, 2015 9:01 am

Lol

One I saw on Facebook the other day was great. "I now live in Swindon and walked past the County ground where there were season tickets nailed to the fence. I thought I'll have them! You can never have enough nails!"
For all manner of stats and facts during games, add me on twitter: @Gills_Stats

Previous board user ID: gwade_871 (3440 posts)
Garawa
 
Posts: 5797
Joined: Fri Sep 21, 2012 10:24 am

Re: The Joke Thread

Postby CadburyMan » Sun Jun 28, 2015 12:04 pm

Irish vs The French!

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said.
'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland.
I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!
We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well Paddy, Sarkozy replied.
How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub.
That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused.
'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begorra!' says Paddy.
'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.
'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on.
We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs amused.
'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.
'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on!
We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.
My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.
'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy!
I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really?
I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy.
'Why the sudden change of heart?'

>


>


Scroll down

>


>

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'
CadburyMan
 
Posts: 935
Joined: Wed Oct 03, 2012 3:58 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Kent_UckyFriedGills » Sun Jun 28, 2015 4:20 pm

"They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian ... They're not laughing now."
Noircat Premier League Champion 2007,and 2014.Noircat FA Cup (Runner Up 2014).Promoted to the Premier League (Runner Up 2017,and 2020 in the Championship).

Kent_UckyFriedGills,KFG for short.
Kent_UckyFriedGills
 
Posts: 2132
Joined: Sat Sep 22, 2012 8:44 pm
Location: Kent

Re: The Joke Thread

Postby CadburyMan » Thu Jul 02, 2015 1:34 pm

The Patient


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"
CadburyMan
 
Posts: 935
Joined: Wed Oct 03, 2012 3:58 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Postby Kent_UckyFriedGills » Fri Jul 17, 2015 10:25 am

"I was shopping in ASDA the other day buying some Oxo cubes, they had chicken, lamb, beef and Swindon..."What is the swindon for?", I asked the assistant. "Oh" she replied, "That is our new range. It's laughing stock, but don't buy at that price it'll be going down soon".
Noircat Premier League Champion 2007,and 2014.Noircat FA Cup (Runner Up 2014).Promoted to the Premier League (Runner Up 2017,and 2020 in the Championship).

Kent_UckyFriedGills,KFG for short.
Kent_UckyFriedGills
 
Posts: 2132
Joined: Sat Sep 22, 2012 8:44 pm
Location: Kent

Re: The Joke Thread

Postby CadburyMan » Tue Jul 21, 2015 11:34 am

Watching test match. Loads of bouncers at the Aussies

I just love women's cricket.
CadburyMan
 
Posts: 935
Joined: Wed Oct 03, 2012 3:58 pm

Re: The Joke Thread

Postby CadburyMan » Wed Jul 22, 2015 5:44 pm

My son just asked me what must it be like to live in Greece - so I took his pocket money off him :-)
CadburyMan
 
Posts: 935
Joined: Wed Oct 03, 2012 3:58 pm

Next

Return to Non-Football Discussion

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests

cron