The Joke Thread

[CadburyMan]

My granny always used to say, "an apple a day keeps the doctor away."

"I don't know if that's true or just one of granny's myths?"

[CadburyMan]

My local pub has announced £100 prize for the best Halloween outfit.

My wife won it last year.

She wasn't too happy though. She'd only come to pick me up!

[gillsfan1066]

Man walks into a bar with an Ostrich following him, the barman says yes what can I do for you Sir ? Guy says a beer, packet of chips and some peanuts. Barman looks at the Ostrich and says and for you , and the Ostrich says same as him please ? Barman says that will be five sixty five please . Guy put his hand in his pocket pulls out five sixty five. This goes on for weeks,no matter what he orders the Ostrich always orders the same and the man always pulls out the exact amount to pay the barman.
Eventually the barman say OK Sir I have to ask, how do you know what I am going to charge you, everytime you give me the exact amount . The guy sighs and says I found a dusty lamp in the attic, I rubbed it , a genie appeared and gave me two wishes.I wished that no matter what I wanted , a Rolls Royce or a beer I would always have the exact amount of cash in my pocket to pay for it.
Hell says the barman ,that's brilliant, but what's with the Ostrich ? The man looks down at his feet, looks up at the barman ,sighs again and says , my second wish was for a tall chick with long legs and a big ass who agrees with everything I say.

[gillsfan1066]

Finally my new keyboard for the computer has arrived from the Senior Center, it only has two keys, music to sleep to ,and porn.

[CadburyMan]

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup.

The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?"

The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"

Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!"

He then grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?

[CadburyMan]

Veteran actor Yul Brynner was a lifelong Liverpool fan and never wore aftershave in his life. How do we know that as a fact ?

Well I'll tell you.

The Kop remind us every game when they break out into their world famous tribute song,



" Yul never wore cologne,"

[gillsfan1066]

I met a guy today in Autozone who was buying 5 cases of break fluid, he told me he was addicted to it,but he could stop any time he wanted .

The irony for Mankind,is that a computer program asks a human to prove there not a robot .

I don't know if I can watch footie much longer. In the Spurs game, Kane went down as the game kicked off , the commentator explained he had gone down ,not because of an injury, but because his feelings had been hurt when Son Heung- Min didn't roll the ball to him and rolled it to Moura instead . The game was held up for 4 minutes while the team psychologist attended Kane, but he was never the same for the rest of the game,spending most of the first half on the phone to his agent..

[gillsfan1066]

Want to see who really loves you,then put the wife and your dog into the trunk of your car for an hour, open it and you will soon see.

[CadburyMan]

Went into a green grocers shop today called mamas & papas !

I picked up a lettuce anyway when I got home I couldn’t believe it all the leaves were brown

[gillsfan1066]

Good one, but of course it has gone over the head of anyone under about 50,lol.