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The Joke Thread

PostPosted: Wed Jun 24, 2015 5:21 pm
by Kent_UckyFriedGills
As it says on the Tin.Post any jokes you want :)

"I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance."

Re: The Joke Thread

PostPosted: Wed Jun 24, 2015 7:50 pm
by Garawa
This is where Elgrande is needed back. Just remember any jokes with swear words will be removed though!!

Re: The Joke Thread

PostPosted: Wed Jun 24, 2015 11:08 pm
by gillsfan1066
Well that ends that thread, next.

Re: The Joke Thread

PostPosted: Thu Jun 25, 2015 9:01 am
by Garawa
Lol

One I saw on Facebook the other day was great. "I now live in Swindon and walked past the County ground where there were season tickets nailed to the fence. I thought I'll have them! You can never have enough nails!"

Re: The Joke Thread

PostPosted: Sun Jun 28, 2015 12:04 pm
by CadburyMan
Irish vs The French!

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said.
'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland.
I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!
We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well Paddy, Sarkozy replied.
How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub.
That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused.
'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begorra!' says Paddy.
'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.
'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on.
We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs amused.
'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.
'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on!
We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.
My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.
'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy!
I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really?
I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy.
'Why the sudden change of heart?'

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'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

Re: The Joke Thread

PostPosted: Sun Jun 28, 2015 4:20 pm
by Kent_UckyFriedGills
"They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian ... They're not laughing now."

Re: The Joke Thread

PostPosted: Thu Jul 02, 2015 1:34 pm
by CadburyMan
The Patient


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

Re: The Joke Thread

PostPosted: Fri Jul 17, 2015 10:25 am
by Kent_UckyFriedGills
"I was shopping in ASDA the other day buying some Oxo cubes, they had chicken, lamb, beef and Swindon..."What is the swindon for?", I asked the assistant. "Oh" she replied, "That is our new range. It's laughing stock, but don't buy at that price it'll be going down soon".

Re: The Joke Thread

PostPosted: Tue Jul 21, 2015 11:34 am
by CadburyMan
Watching test match. Loads of bouncers at the Aussies

I just love women's cricket.

Re: The Joke Thread

PostPosted: Wed Jul 22, 2015 5:44 pm
by CadburyMan
My son just asked me what must it be like to live in Greece - so I took his pocket money off him :-)