The Joke Thread

[CadburyMan]

My friend Iain has one eye bigger than the other

[CadburyMan]

I just said to my girlfriend Babe I've cheated on you

She said I need to tell you something I've cheated on you too

I said April fools day

She said Oh mine was 24th March!!

[CadburyMan]

My wife said: “I can’t hear out of my left ear!”

I said: “Are you sure?”

She said: “Yes I’m definite!”

[CadburyMan]

I was in the park at lunchtime, sat down enjoying a nice juicy hamburger.
A little old lady with a dog sat on the next bench (social distancing) and the dog was constantly yapping and begging for some of my burger.
I asked the little old lady "Do you mind if I throw him a bit"?
She replied "Of course not"
So I picked the little twat up and hurled it into the effing duck pond.....

[CadburyMan]

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt't wi us."

[gillsfan1066]

99% of politicians give the rest a bad name. 47.51% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A little boy is staying with his Grandparents while his Mother and Father go to Vegas for the weekend. He is sitting on the grass and said to his Grandpa ,I am bored. Grandpa pulls a worm out of its hole and says if you can get this back in the hole I will give you twenty bucks to go to the arcade with. The kid things for a while goes up to his Grandmothers bathroom gets a tin of hair spray sprays the worm waits a few minutes and pushes it back in the hole. Granddad is surprised and gives him the 20 bucks .
Next morning Granddad comes down and gives the kid 50 bucks, the kid says whats that for , Granddad says that's from your Grandmother

[gillsfan1066]

Three 16 year old guys are walking past a lake,the see a guy in the middle thrashing around and obviously droning. They dive in and drag him out, give him the kiss of life and call for an ambulance. Turns out it's Donald Trump,and he says for saving my life anything I am able to do I will do in thanks for you saving me. The first kid says my Dads on death row, he was wrongly convicted and he has run out of appeals, Trump says say no more ,he will be home tomorrow. The second kid says I want to go to University but my grades are not good enough, Trump says call me in the morning tell me what University you want to go to and pack your bags. Third kid says I want to be buried in Arlington Cemetery, Trump says thats where people from the Army,Navy ,Airforce and Marines are buried. Why would you choose that when I can give you want ever you want. Kid says when folks find out I saved Donald Trump from drowning there going to kill me.

[gillsfan1066]

I watched on the news today a woman mid to late 20's is my guess ranting and raving to a store manager at Safeway's about the disgusting thing the store was doing selling LION MEAT, how could they do that ,how could they kill Lions and put the meat in the freezer for sale next to all the other meats. It is things like that that selling Lion Meat that means it is time we all got out of America. Now where she wants us all to go she didn't actually say, but I didn't care I just sat watching the news munching on my Loin Chops.

[CadburyMan]

I went into a fancy dress shop in Birmingham, and told the owner that I was going to a 70s themed fancy dress, and could he sort me out?.
"No problems" he replied....he then said..."OK sir, I've got you a pair of platform shoes, a pair of flared trousers and a frilly shirt".
I said "That's great".
He then asked...
"Do you want a kipper tie"?
I said..."Yes please, milk and two sugars".

[gillsfan1066]

OK the only voices I can hear in my head apart from a certain ladies ,and of course the damn Aussie and Mr Garawa ,is that of Jones the Steam saying in a Welsh voice Good morning Ivor ,it's a little bit frosty this morning, so lets warm you up and get your boiler going then I can make a cup of tea before we got to work" No wonder the railways run all to cock, and a Yorkshire or Lancastrian cricket commentators voice saying, " Ey UP everyone ,welcome to first test between England and Ser Lanka, England won toss and chose to bat, first over will be bowled from Gas Works End by the fast left hand bowler Uwmbca Welegedara Bandardare Chanuka Asanga Welegedara, iky thump ,try saying that after a few pints of Old Peculiar , bye gum that would be a tuff thin to do. I can'r place a Mancunian accent ,just an old Yorkshire one and I guess I need to have a Manchester accent to get the joke ?