The Joke Thread

[CadburyMan]

[gillsfan1066]

In the US last year over FOUR BILLION prescriptions were written for a population of Three hundred and thirty million,thats like 13 prescriptions per year for ever single person in the US . Total spent on prescription drugs in the US last year THREE HUNDRED AND THIRTY BILLION DOLLARS , or about a thousand bucks a year for each person living in the US. Asked exactly how good most drugs are today a leading medical expert said ,"The best way I can describe drug company's is, there like 16 year old boyfriends, there more interested in getting inside you than being effective once there in there."

[gillsfan1066]

A woman was on the TV with her EIGHT YEAR OLD SON demanding that he be given a sex change because he wants to be a girl, like I said he is EIGHT YEARS OLD OK. After they went back to the interviewer and the woman was off the air, he said ,when I was eight I wanted to be a Pirate,Thank GOD no one took me serious and scheduled me for an eye removal and peg leg surgery.

[CadburyMan]

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

[gillsfan1066]

Hahahaha, love that one. A bit of advice ,If you replace your crisps and beer with grapefruit and water as a snack you will find yourself feeling much healthier. You will also lose 95% of the little joy you have left in your life.

Remember Beer is now cheaper than petrol, Drink Don't Drive.

I often wonder where the world went wrong, I was at lunch yesterday , two women in their early twenties were sitting at the table next to me , one of them said I had a pregnancy test this morning. The other girl sat up straight and in almost in a whisper said were the questions hard ?

We got into it last night,always happens when she drinks too much. Suddenly she said she she missed me,normally that would be good, but she was reloading.

My neighbor came home drunk a couple of nights ago and woke us up banging on his front door for like 5 minutes, but he lives alone . I lent out the window and told him he wasn't there so he left.

Survival Tip.......If you get lost in the woods or out on the moors , start talking out loud about politics ,some one will soon be there to argue with you.

[gillsfan1066]

An old retired RAF pilot sat drinking a beer in a pub, he had his old flying jacket on with the patches of all his exploits on it. A pretty girl came and sat next to him and said are you a pilot ? He smiled and said I am, I flew off carriers, I flew jump jets, I spent 15 years teaching over 500 new pilots to fly combat missions. He looked at her and said what about you ? She said I am a Lesbian, I wake up in the morning thinking about naked women, I got to bed of a night time thinking about naked women,and all day at work in my job as a receptionist at a hotel I see every women that come in as a naked woman,she taps his arm gently, gets up ,smiles and and leaves.
A little later as he was finishing his beer and getting ready to go a young man recently signed up in the Air Force comes in and sits down next to the old man. Are you a pilot the young man asked , I thought I was the old man said wistfully, but it appears I am a Lesbian.

[CadburyMan]

I bought a huge TV from a guy in a pub in Liverpool, when I put it on the wall and got it working, all it showed was a McDonald's menu...

[CadburyMan]

I was doing a crossword in the pub and said to my Scottish friend; I'm stuck on one, ‘I'm trapped on a desert island, eight letters, starting with M’ “

He said “Marooned”

I replied “Thanks, I'll have a pint of lager then !”

#StAndrewsDay

[CadburyMan]

Two birds sitting on a perch and one says to the other …

Do you smell fish?

[gillsfan1066]

Lol, , here in the Midwest there called Raccoon Butterflyfish,or as it is know by it's real name Chaetodon lunula . Doesn't sound quiet so funny does is it, lol.