The Joke Thread

Discussion relating to anything not football related

Re: The Joke Thread

Postby gillsfan1066 » Fri Aug 20, 2021 5:50 pm

I went to the girlfriends place for dinner last night and she opened the door dressed in a tiny black negligee , stockings ,heels, and a black mask. I thought i would join in the game , show her i loved her and all that soppy stuff said, Hi Zoro what have we got for dinner ? I admit it, I really don't understand women.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby gillsfan1066 » Wed Aug 25, 2021 2:39 pm

Many years ago Little Mr G. when he was just a lad went to the Kent Show with his Dad,who was interested in buying Mr G' sister, Miss G, a pony for her birthday. Running his hands up and down several horses legs, belly,chest and rump, Little Mr.G said Dad what are you doing ? Just checking to see if the horse is OK before I buy it said his Dad.
Little Mr.G burst out crying, what's the matter son said his Dad , and between big sobs Little Mr.G said, I think the Postman s going to buy Mommy.

Mr G's marriage didn't get off to the greatest of starts, but seeing as they now have 12 children I guess things obviously got better with time. After the wedding they headed for the caravan at Leysdown to honeymoon and consummate their marriage. Mrs G hid in the bathroom putting on her special white nightie, while Mr G laid on the bed getting more and more excited and more and more impassiant.
Unable to contain himself any longer he jumped off the bed opened the bathroom door just as his lovely new bride was applying the cold cream to her face. Why are you doing that he said to his new wife, to which she answered ,to make myself beautiful. Standing there in his striped PJ's, he watched her as she began to wipe it off, whats the matter asked Mr.G, Giving Up ?
It was a long cold night he spent sitting on those metal steps waiting for the sun to rise.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby CadburyMan » Sun Sep 12, 2021 9:37 pm

So I went into a bar in Spain & there was a huge bulls head on the wall.
I said: "That must have been a big bull?"
The barman said: "That bull killed my grandfather"
I said: "Was he a bullfighter?"
He said: "No. He was playing draughts over there and it fell on him!".
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby gillsfan1066 » Mon Sep 13, 2021 1:36 am

We can't fight Poverty,Homelessness, or Hunger, yet were going to fight " climate change ",I can't wait to see how we stop that 20+ inches of snow that drops here in 48 hours in the winter.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby gillsfan1066 » Mon Sep 13, 2021 2:15 am

I went to buy a new sofa Saturday,the guy told me the one I liked would seat five people without any problem, then it occured to me I don't think I know five people without any problems, so I didn't buy it.

The girlfriend said she couldn't eat tongue because it comes out of a cows mouth, so I gave her eggs instead.

I was accepted for a position at our local bank but only lasted a morning.Woman came in and said can you check my balance so I pushed her and she fell over.

I had to spend the night in the hospital recently, things are going to be OK,but I can tell you the Dyson Ball Cleaner Vacuum has a very misleading name.

I was so bored walking round the supermarket today watching the girlfriend pick this up look at it, put it down, so in the end I picked up a box of chicken legs and asked the young lady filling the shelves if they were front legs or back legs. She said she didn't know but she would find out. She came back 10 minutes later and said everyone seemed to think it was a funny question and nobody I asked knew. While I was in there this huge pile of toilet rolls fell on me, I am OK though it was just soft tissue damage.

When I offer to wash your back in the shower a simple yes or no will do, not all this "who are you and how did you get in here " nonsense ?

I stepped into an elevator today ,a large breasted woman came in and caught me looking at them,she said all nastily "will you press one please", I don't remember much after that.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby CadburyMan » Mon Sep 13, 2021 9:29 pm

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.

MAN, I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby CadburyMan » Mon Sep 20, 2021 4:33 pm

I am going to the Autopsy Club party next Saturday.

It's open Mike night
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby gillsfan1066 » Tue Sep 21, 2021 7:25 am

Remember when you were a kid and went to the fair on the Great Lines, and Mom and Dad wouldn't let you go and see the Tattooed Fat Lady, how times change, now there walking around everywhere .

I have just finished reading a book on how to treat your wife ,and it said treat her like you did on the first date. So after dinner tonight I am going to drop her off at her parents house and I am off to Vegas baby.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby CadburyMan » Tue Sep 28, 2021 7:19 am

I was working late last night on the computer the wife came downstairs and asked me what i was doing,i said I’m just looking for cheap flights—-well it was like a bomb hit our living room -she threw herself at me kissed me with a passion that nearly blew my socks off told me how much she loved me and with a sexy wink slowly climbed the stairs. ———-funny that she’s never shown any interest in darts before
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby gillsfan1066 » Tue Sep 28, 2021 12:20 pm

Haha ,I love it ,but so few people here in the States play darts I can't tell it to anyone, lol.
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