The Joke Thread

[CadburyMan]

I believe my mate from Greater Manchester is a transvestite …

He has a Wigan address!

[CadburyMan]

Hands up if you like the french.

Both hands up if you are french

[CadburyMan]

A geordie lass went to the hairdresser and asked for a perm...

The hairdresser replied....I wandered lernly as a clood.

[gillsfan1066]

Two women immigrants come through the border into the US,one says to the other they eat dogs here you know. The other one says well I guess now were in America I guess we should do the same. Half a mile along the road is a Hot Dog stand they look at each other and buy two hot dogs. Sitting on the bench one of them undid the wrapping around her hot dog and squeals, I know the bit of the dog I got,which bit did you get she asked her friend.

[gillsfan1066]

There was some sort of demonstration going on outside a store today and someone had a signed that said "STOP KILLING FISH FOR THERE FINGERS. A sign on the shop door said compare prices,Trojan Contraceptives $3.89 , Huggies Diapers,$22.99 . It was a lovely sunny day so I just kicked back and waited for the police to move the protesters on and I looked into the sky and I thought, I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and think to themselves,that ones shaped like an idiot. I had to buy a new door bell,mine at home was broken and I guess I missed a couple of parcels from Amazon.I don't know why I put a sign on the door that said BELL BROKEN,Please YELL DING DONG AS LOUD AS YOU CAN.
I took our new puppy for a walk down on the beach ,really was busy, damn thing still wants to run away, but I honestly think naming the pooch Shark really was a mistake . We spent an hour watching one of those Attenborough animal shows on TV ,I honestly believe that Rhino's are just fat Unicorns. Bought dinner on the way back and it came in this aluminum container which had a sticker on it that said DON'T EAT THE CONTAINER OR YOU WILL SHEET METAL. Went past the hospital on the way home and there having a big push for men to have test for various cancers.They had a big sign that said, This Year Thousands Of Men Will Die From Stubbornness, so I got out and with a black marker wrote, NO WE WON'T . While we were at the zoo we drove through the African Wildlife Section, bloody great sign that read ELEPHANTS ,STAY IN YOUR CAR, would they ,hell no they were wandering all over the place ? Came out of there and she had to go to the restroom,big sign said LADIES and underneath it,another sign that said Slippery when wet,with a carton corrector falling over on it. The sign in the men's rest room read REFUSE,to be put in plastic sacks and stored in the containers provided. What a Day.

[CadburyMan]

Ny wife just phoned to say that 3 girls in her office have received flowers and they are absolutely gorgeous.

I said, "That's probably why."

[CadburyMan]

Thought I’d treat my pet ostrich to a day at the beach yesterday….

What a waste of time that was!

[CadburyMan]

Extract fron the Oxford English Dictionary :-

Kangaroot : What a geordie says when he's stuck in a lift

[CadburyMan]

More from the OED :-

Binfluencer (noun) : A person who puts the bin out on the right day, letting everyone else on the street know exactly what bin to put out!

[CadburyMan]

I lost my Fez earlier today,but managed to get another one

Just like that.