The Joke Thread

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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby gillsfan1066 » Tue Aug 09, 2022 12:43 pm

In a park for over a hundred years two naked statues one a man and one a woman,had stood looking at each other. One day an angel comes down , and with one gesture brings the two to life. I am going to give you 30 minutes to do what ever you like she says, and the two jump off their plinths and run behind the bushes. There is a lot of rustling giggling oohing and aahing going on and 15 mints later they come back to where the angel is hovering. The angel said well you still have 15 minutes left would you like to go and do it again. Sure they both shout, then the woman says but this time lets change positions ...................................................... you hold the pigeon down and I will poop on its head.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby CadburyMan » Sat Aug 13, 2022 7:45 pm

"M'Lud, the defendant is accused of beating his wife with his two guitars."

"First offender?"

"Yes M'Lud, then a Gibson"
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby gillsfan1066 » Sat Aug 13, 2022 10:36 pm

5,000 men were asked why they liked O S so much,
1% said they liked the warm feeling.
2% said they liked the sensation.
3% said they just did,but didn't really know why.
94% said they just liked the peace and quiet.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby gillsfan1066 » Sat Aug 13, 2022 10:58 pm

Student Newborn Care Specialists were sitting their final exams. " Name the advantages of Mothers Milk" was one of the final questions.The normal answers came out, "It's the perfect formula for baby's" and "It provides immunity for the baby against disease" and the most popular answer being "It bonds the Mother and Child together" One student obviously feeling he had not done well in the exam, so he would be taking it again at the end of next term wrote ,"It comes in two attractive containers, it's always available, it's inexpensive, and it's high enough off the ground that the cat can't get it". He got an A+ and is now a full time Pediatrician.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby CadburyMan » Thu Aug 18, 2022 9:36 pm

My fridge smells of basil.

I think it’s faulty.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby CadburyMan » Tue Aug 23, 2022 11:11 am

Me and my wife are going to row across the Atlantic in October.

It’ll probably start on the way to the airport.
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby CadburyMan » Thu Aug 25, 2022 4:31 pm

I was telling a mate that my dad bought his first car from the Krays.

He said, "What Reg?"

I said, "No I think it was Ronnie"
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby gillsfan1066 » Fri Aug 26, 2022 7:38 pm

I took this woman out on a first date last night, we went to this restaurant in downtown Chicago (and no we didn't get car jacked or shot at ) called Karma.I said can I get a menu please, the waiter said not in this restaurant you can't,........ you get what you deserve. A little shocked I said O...K, sat back and we had a couple of glasses of wine, and then out came the dinners,I got nice pork chop, baked potato, green beans and yyyyyeeesss ,the mustard was a BIT hot but all in all it was a nice meal . My date got a Vindaloo Curry, and for desert I got pears and Ice Cream, my date got Hot Bread and Butter Pudding and hot custard. Was I wrong to put her in a cab and send her home?
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby CadburyMan » Mon Sep 12, 2022 3:50 pm

"I spy with my little eye something beginning with A."

King Harold. Hastings 1066
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Re: The Joke Thread

Postby gillsfan1066 » Sat Sep 17, 2022 9:52 pm

Two men wearing prison uniforms escaped from the Pen yesterday, last night they were seen robbing a drug store of all it's Viagra, the police are looking for two harden criminals.

A guy had been annoying his wife all evening because she wanted to watch a sad girliy movie on the TV and he didn't. She finally shut him up when he said to her, tell me something that makes me both happy and sad at the same time. You swear you will shut up and let me watch this movie if I do she said ? Yes he said laughing, well she said you have a bigger appendage than you brother, but it's not as big as Dave's from next door.
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